The paradox of insecurity

Hi world, I am sitting here at my house, on a Wednesday night after taking my son to beavers. I have a few kids all of them wonderful and want to be a great guy / dad for them. This past two years have been very difficult for me, I don’t know how to explain it other than statistically I don’t thing many people have had as many things go wrong as I have in such a short period in time, and by “I” I mean me and my immediate family. Now that being said, I think that I have landed butter side up in almost every case. My dad died July 27 2011, I for a myriad of circumstances was unable to attend my fathers funeral, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in September of that same year, November surgery, December 4 th, I had a heart attack, stent installed, I am now a bionic man. 4 months of chemo with my wife and some tough times financially. There is more detail that may have caused oohs and aaas but reality is that everyone has their issues, everyone thinks that what they are going through is tough, but as in all things, there will always be someone better and someone in a worse situation than I.

I am good to go with my heart, my wife is cancer free, I am self sufficient and motivated I have landed butter side up, again. It seems that has been the case through much of my life, I have always been optimistic and tried to make decisions on what makes me happy, it seems to work. Call it luck, call it karma, I have faith it will turn out o.k. Often it is the people around me that lose faith, I gain strength from many at times and others need me to provide it, the ebbs and flows of giving and receiving.

I feel like I need to recapture myself, I had an infectious enthusiasm that had no bounds, I was going to be wealthy, successful, an inventor, and adventurer, an outdoorsman, a sailor, a pilot, a diver, Dirk Pitt, Colin Smallpiece (esoteric reference but apt). Lately I’ve been laying a foundation for my rebirth I suppose, a return to what was. And I suppose what that is is following my dreams, setting hairy audacious goals and surpassing them. I want to climb a mountain and shout from the top, “I am me” and no one can take that from me.

I registered this site for several reasons, but the main one is an outlet, a baring of my soul, my heart on my sleeve and an ability to say who I am , rather than having people who don’t know my make up shit in their heads about who they think I am and at least I’ve said it, if they need to know who and what I am, I am certain they will find this.

so I guess this is my first post in that vein, knowing me I’ll get bored of this and forget to post, but hey, this is for me and if I don’t , whatever.

Now… The paradox of insecurity, this is a theory, likely captured by psychologists and greater thinkers than I, but I thought of it, and use it to understand people.

When someone is insecure, they cannot admit it, when someone is so insecure, they will do everything and anything in their power to hide that from the world. They will lie, not take ownership of ,mistakes, blame others, judge others. When someone is insecure, the will protect their ego with an armour of doing what is expected, saying what they think people want to hear, or hide, or surround themselves with people that tell them what they want to hear. People that are not truly happy with who they are feel that the people around them reflect on them, that is why people do not have tolerance for difference.

This I think was one of my first major insights into human nature. I was in high school, I was different, I was who I was and upset that people did not like me, accept me, I was insecure, but the irony was, I said to my family I am sad, I feel uncomfortable in my skin and who I was, why don’t people like me.. But I didn’t change who I was, I just complained about it, admitted my insecurity, but I did not change. I kept on my path. In retrospect the discomfort was simply, I was not the same, I was actually strong enough to be me. I am proud of that, I consider it a victory and hope in someways can pass that lesson on to my children, how, who knows, but in the end, when I see intolerance or discomfort, it really comes down to the paradox of insecurity, the truly secure person can admit they are insecure, be their real self, the truly insecure will conform, deny any weakness, deny any faults and fall into step with the way the world wants them to be.

Anyhow I am me. P.

(2) Comments

  1. kieren hennessy

    on   said 

    wow .nice words mate. good to hear you are doing well and have a nice family. its probably been abiut about 20 years since jan and mandy picked me up from the train station and i got to spend some time with you guys in alexandria bvd. sorry to hear about your dad i never met him only your stepfather.
    i guess it was mid 80s we first met at shoal bay at ernies flat. i head up there 2 or 3 times a year and always have a laugh thinking of your role in the local movie.
    i just finished buildi g my house in sydney and have a 22month old son. running a small electrical air con company but barely surviving financially at the moment.doi g ok though. take care and well catch up again one day my friend.

    Reply

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